heaven.. thy name is chocolate...

more of my ... umm... 'artwork' ..... pretty aint it? :)

First Heat

and this ...... for simmy

The John Galt Line

Here's to my favorite heroines - Dagny n Shree

appee burday sweetie ..... :)

The rant of all rants ...

15th september, 07

since i'm supposed to be holed up in my room studying...i've spent the past few days revisiting every one of my semi-hobbies .. and have atlast whittled down to... Writing

so i'm gonna write ... about you ask? ..well .. just stuff ...

nothing significant... come to think of it .. nothing i write is specifically significant... significant to me who is the central and dramatic protagonist in the great tragedy/comedy of my own life .. but noone else ...so to speak..

so why do we write? out of an innate need to vent? show off? please ones ego? ..all three?

a written word is not a conversation or an argument .. where one can oppose us .. or prove us wrong.. in that i suppose writing is sort of an indulgence .. of the big fat triple-tiered frosting-covered chocolate cake kind...

alright .. so we write self appeasing diary entries.. why write stories at all? .. go to all the pain of making up situations ..characters.. plots.. subplots ..and all that fuss ..for what?

so that we can say things that we cant say.. or atleast dont want to say ..

------its not a personal opinion you see.. its just what the character dictated i write --------

thats escapism ... writer's weakness..

and for me ..its a slightly different deal ... i write to give voice to few of the voices in my head ..
yep .. i said voices .. voices belonging to people .. with distinct personalities .. no distinct names though .. havent taken that final step towards insanity ..

right.. so these voices .. they each think that they deserve to run my life.. their life.. our life.. bleargh .. alright .. this life .. according their whims and fancies ... and quite predictably .. disagree on how thats done quite often...

from the men i like .. to the clothes i wear ( Not in order of importance) ..and if at all i make a decision about anything.. its cuz i was lucky enough to have a majority vote ...of course majority vote means only the decisions.. the day-to-day affairs are still torn and rent with confusion and arguments that stretch from here to atlanta ………...its i-like-him today .. and ohmygodwatwasithinking tommorrow... and awwhe'snotsobad the next day ..and why'reyouinapityrelationshipyoumoron the next... and so on for a few weeks.. until I ( I being the sane stolid ...alright alright .. the somewhat reflective and trying to be responsible central self) decide to have some backbone and put an end to this farce..

-- move to flashback scene in the distant past when i still dated--

Me1 : thatsiti'mbreakingup...thereheisi'mgonnatellhim

Me2 : oh oh oh wait ... he's got something shiny in his hand...

Me3 : [insert male name] (cuz i dont wanna get sued/beaten up by goondas sent by above-implied ex-boyfriend), tell me that's not a swarovski pendant ..

BOY : *deep male voice laughs* It is my dear [sugary sweet endearment] ! :D (Me1: urghh i cant stand those and he uses em ALL the time)...

Me3: but .. but..

Me1 : oh shuttup you idiot .. take the damn box and kiss his silly mouth shut before he starts honeybun-ing sweetheart-ing all over again

Me3 : but ... i dont even Like him!!

Me1 : That dint stop you from kissing him before!

Me3 : I meant the pendant! Not the kissing!

Me2 : oh .. ok .. right

Me1 : eitherways… So?

Me2 : Actually.. yea..... your point being?

Me3 : its not fair!

Me1 : Since when are you Fair?!! Anyways ..what he doesnt know cant hurt him.. 'honey' ...

Me3 : oh shutup

Me2 : listen.. you're still the girlfriend right? .. you dint cheat on him or anything did you ..? .. how does it matter if deep down you dont like him a little(ermm.. hehERMM) bit?.. and You! .. shut UP for a while alright?

Me1 : okay.. okayy ... relax you madwoman...

Me3 : uhm...well in that case...

BOY : uh sesh , [insert endearment] (eww!) (oi ..be nice!),... are you alright honey, my [grosser endearment] (EWW!) (EWW! i agree! who Says that anymore?!!..eww..eww)... ?..you look distracted..

Me3 : oh.. its nothing .. i'm ..fine.. jus a lil headache thats all.. that pendant is Adorable ..you really shouldnt have ... i cant accept..

Me1 : damnitwoman...Thats not your line!!

Me3 : i kno i'm sorry .. kinda slipped out ..

BOY: what rubbish sesh! .. its yours. period...Now.. where were we ....

*ehmm.. snogging ensues*

--- end of flashback---

so this is the big secret ... the secret of why i cant have a relationship with anyone ... there's always someone (in me) who hates him..or detests him ..or is repulsed by the way he eats his eggs ... or..you get the picture..

so if any of my men happen to read this ... this is the point where they go ... Oh..Thats why she acts so crazy all the time!..if they havent already figured out that is .. and being men... well...

confessions of a teenage Drama queen

APRIL 2007

Masks

Is it the The final solution? ... really? ..

i've been feeding parts of myself to this enormous beast...now an arm .. now a leg.. but its not enough ...never enough.. it wants more .. always more
now all i have left are parts of my soul.. my honor.. and questions ... a hundred unanswered questions .. which multiply by the day......

so, was it worth it? .. he asked me.. and i blinked ...
..i'm still blinking..

like fungus on a tree, i've grown onto.. and into this creature ... put down roots that are not so much roots as ropes.. that bind me to servitude.. voluntary eager innocent servitude.. like a virgin slave's passion..
and sometimes i like to think that the tree is bound to me as well.. it needs me ..for its existence .. but that sounds absurd and ridiculous even as i say it.. i know that if i'm cut off and cast away like the unwelcome parasite i'm made out to be, there will be another pawn ready to take my place ..
and noone will ever notice i'm gone.

Confessions of a Confused Insomniac

3rd may 2007 5.12 am

It’s a beautiful midsummer night.
And like all things beautiful, it’s dying.

I look up at the sky ….and look about for the moon.
There it is! just behind the branches of that neem tree.
It’s a dull bronzed red now. That’s Interesting … and Very out of character. Especially considering that it was a happy golden milky round thing just half an hour back.
Hmm ..
I vaguely wonder if I’ve mistaken the sun for the moon.
Nah . Can’t be.
Its on the wrong side of the sky for one. Or Wait. Is it? ..

Okay.Maybe deciding to reverse my sleep cycle completely wasn’t such a good idea. Even the endless cups of coffee aren’t helping the disorientation.
But that’s not why I have the coffee anyways. At least not anymore.
The love affair with the coffee is a far more serious issue.. that one’s called Addiction.

My theory is that everyone’s a slave to Something if you think about it. For some people its Alcohol … Narcotics for some.. then there’s nicotine .. caffeine .. food ..love .. religion .. why even sex ..
Its part of the Great human weakness that you have to serve something ..be it good or bad … otherwise you’ll go mad...So it is the constant we all crave in our lives.
And the form I chose to give to it is a mug of espresso.
which brings us back to… how coffee isn’t working for me anymore .I’m thinking its time for me to move on.
Move onto what?
the love , food , alcohol and other options are either currently unavailable or inappropriate ..
and after not much deliberation I rummage about in the dark for the pack I’d stashed in my room. And my hands chance upon the small cardpaper box.

I take out a cigarette from it, light it and take a drag .. and watch as the tip glows eerily.
The smoke feels thick and vaguely warm going down my throat.. unlike the smooth , hot feel of coffee, I couldn’t help noticing.
And the nicotine goes up and lands a solid kick in my brain .. an odd feeling .. like a bunch of bright lights being turned on in the head .
Again, unlike the gradual, liquid kick coffee offers, like awareness washing over my entire thought process ..
Exhale slowly. And the image of the bronzed red moon shimmers hazily through the cloud of smoke... and suddenly I have this weird mental picture of smoke creeping up into my skull , winding its way into my mind , into my thoughts, melting and tweaking them , even singeing some of them.

I’m not sure I really like this .. this choice of addiction.
I glare at the glowing cigarette in my hand. Maybe it’s the insomnia making me hallucinate and I’m over-reacting. So I decide to give it another chance and take a few more drags … and the feeling of dissatisfaction only intensifies.
I glare at the cigarette harder.
I never really had a problem smoking before. What is it now?
I wonder..

The sky is lighting up slowly… tufts of pink-orange clouds float into the scene .. and in the mellow pre dawn light , I see it , a crushed coffee cup .. and I look at the half-burnt cigarette in my hand .. both of them reminders of my pathetic self-control. Reminders of how weak and dependant I was. And I knew I couldn’t do it anymore .. I realize I’m getting sick of this. This lack of control and self-respect .. the way some ground beans and rolled up tobacco can take control of your life and make you dance to its every beck and call. I see the huge unsaid catch in my theory of addiction.. the catch is that if I’ll go slightly mad without something to serve , I’ll go stark, raving mad because of what I’m serving too. I’ll want, no, Need to be in the throes of the addiction all the time. And if I’m not , the pain of withdrawal will eat at me till I eventually give up any pretence of resistance and crawl back into that place. That sad sad place.

And what I have to do is suddenly very clear to me.

I hurriedly stub the half-burnt cigarette out. Glowing bits of ash fall , jump about and get swept away by a gentle breeze before they die out.

I get up and walk away..

…to the coffee machine.

Who was I kidding ….

The Ballad

Once upon a time , there was a kingdom called La-La Land( read Thuvakudi).

In the centre of the kingdom was a magnificent castle with brilliantly crumbling turrets and insect-infested buildings. The fair and noble race of the Engg-a-men lived here.

In the royal court there was a fair maiden called Camizvori – the short and spicy.

Men from all over thuvakudi vied for her attention but to no avail, the maiden was already betrothed to her childhood companion, Sir Row-miss – the tall and far. He lived in the land Far-Far-Away much to the chagrin of both the estranged lovers, but Sir Row-miss had promised that to Love, distance was no matter. And so his love waited and waited……… until things happened to put it to test.

This story is curiously linked with a particular tradition of this land - the Sigh-kills.
These are the periodic mock battles held by order of the king to provide a chance for the bravehearts of the kingdom to prove their mettle in Things Of No Consequence. Now such a period of great stress and tension has to have some obvious side-effects namely , the Sigh-kill syndrome , a condition of extreme boredom and nervousness and recklessness which makes you do things you wouldn’t dream of doing even in those weirder dreams.

This particular spring, the maiden was more seriously afflicted than normal,
maybe it was the sigh-kill syndrome ,
maybe she was bitten by the hormone-bug,
maybe Fate decided to finally test her Love
or maybe it was all three ,
.......... she fell hard and sure. And you know what they say, the shorter you are, the harder you fall or wait…… is it higher?.... anyway, no matter.

Now, Enter the hero- the able young boy who’d always been in the royal court… one of the kingdom’s most trusty soldiers … except for a streak of insanity but mostly everyone let it pass .. this young boy’s name was Hasch-ad - the tall and Near. Incidentally a childhood pal of Camizvori ..

Now this boy was one day strolling in the barren palace gardens possibly contemplating the deeper meaning and purpose of the existence of the Weird Mutant Stick Insect when he noticed the maiden taking a walk in the same park.. as they were pseudo-childhood buddies he went over to talk to her.

What should have been a normal old-friends-catching-up episode turned out to be the beginning of something new … it was as if they were seeing each other anew in the glare of harsh tropical sun. Suddenly there were coy glances, sudden smiles, awkward pauses and a lot of batting eyelids and of course the Praises – those weapons of mass destruction.

As is with most stories like this , the hero of this tale started extolling the virtues of the heroine … and in true Ladylike manner the maiden flushed with pride and love but shyly told the hero that he was indeed praising her too much…
And maybe it was the extreme heat ,
maybe it was the sigh-kill syndrome ,
maybe it was the streak of insanity ,
or maybe it was all three …
the hero starts spouting poetry … and what follows is the exchange that happened that evening …



( Purple is the heroine's part and Black is the hero's part)



You praise me too much my sweetheart!



Oh but why cannot I, lady of my heart?

Your smile enchants me so!

Sweet as apple tart.



Cuz, oh my knight in shining underwear!

My heart to you, I wish to bare…

But pity, wrenching pity

Tis not with me to share..

Tarts of the forbidden fruit though,

I’ll give to you for sure



But why?

Oh why cannot I have your heart?

Why do you spurn my love

As though it were a stinking fart?



The seven seas for your love I would sail…

Before my PJs all obstacles quail!



Titans I wrestle, goliaths I slay,

Those who stand between us, they surely will pay..

No mountain is too high, no ocean too deep

Take my hand damsel, lest for a lifetime I weep!


My love is like none

Twixt heaven and hell

If only you knew its strength

You would surely fall under my spell


Mere words not enough!

No tongue suffice!

My heart desires for thee,

In magnitude I cannot describe


The hours are growing late

Though not as late as your plea

I have given my hand to another

And yet I yearn for thee



Take my hand love,

I shall show thee light.

Resist not thy heart’s desires

They will yield sweet delight.


Thy heart is given yae!

But it does beat another way

Come into my arms sweet love

Let true love hold sway!



Lead me not into temptation,

For I already know the way

I’m caught in a web of my own doing

And I’m struggling to get away


Like all souls that are one

I feel your love for me

Oh! What a blind fool I have been!

Your brilliance for years I did not see


At the crossroads of desire and duty

Which path shall I take?

Oh! Accursed fate this is!

Kill me! Burn me at the stake!


For then this cosmic conspiracy shall cease

As will the earthly shackles that bind

But my love shall still stick like melted mozzarella cheese

Weep not my hero, amidst the stars, each other we’ll find …



...............





At this juncture the maiden fled the scene in tears ….her mind in a turmoil …..

And our hero stood there for a loooong while wondering what in the blazes was gonna happen……..



So what happened to our star-crossed lovers? And sir row-miss? …wait and watch the drama unfold……….



To be continued………….





PS: i wrote the part of the heroine and harshad wrote the part of the hero

DISCLAIMER : this is a work of FICTION ... any resemblance to characters and situations in real life is pure co-incidence