The Dummies Guide to...

.. Dealing with sexual assault..

1. Yes. It happened, And I’ve said it. That’s step One.
2. There’s NO fing point in thinking about what else you could’ve done to retaliate/fight back/kick him harder in the balls. Didn’t happen then. No point fretting now.Although.. plotting to do it now is totally OK.
3. Plotting to do this with a huge group of big burly men is also cool. Very cool.
4. If you’re not the violent sort, try projectile spitting... on his photo.. Pretty plebeian I know, but feels extremely cathartic.
5. Burn his effigy ... sing and dance and swear crazily around it..
6. Now for the therapy part.. Go wild here.. Do whatever makes you feel happy..go shoe-shopping ..n jus plain shopping .. have a girls night-out ... n sappy-movie-marathon with a choclate ice-cream bucket .. play those good old shoot-the-bad-guy video games ..
7. CRY. just once. let it all out. then get up.. put on your prettiest dress ..smile into the mirror and go out..
8. TALK to your friends. Get as much help as you want. You deserve the whole hugs, teddy-bear-clutching crying sessions , hot chocolate & being tucked in with ‘sshh sshh nothing’ll happen.. we’re all here’ routine
9. Get your violent friends to beat him up ..AFTER they’ve tucked you in bed..
10. Work out an extremely complex and beautifully detailed revenge & justice plan. Be sure to include very graphic details of retribution. When you’re done … Go muahahahahaha...
11. Pray. Very hard. God will take care of you... and Murphy will take care of the rest.