Confessions of a Confused Insomniac

3rd may 2007 5.12 am

It’s a beautiful midsummer night.
And like all things beautiful, it’s dying.

I look up at the sky ….and look about for the moon.
There it is! just behind the branches of that neem tree.
It’s a dull bronzed red now. That’s Interesting … and Very out of character. Especially considering that it was a happy golden milky round thing just half an hour back.
Hmm ..
I vaguely wonder if I’ve mistaken the sun for the moon.
Nah . Can’t be.
Its on the wrong side of the sky for one. Or Wait. Is it? ..

Okay.Maybe deciding to reverse my sleep cycle completely wasn’t such a good idea. Even the endless cups of coffee aren’t helping the disorientation.
But that’s not why I have the coffee anyways. At least not anymore.
The love affair with the coffee is a far more serious issue.. that one’s called Addiction.

My theory is that everyone’s a slave to Something if you think about it. For some people its Alcohol … Narcotics for some.. then there’s nicotine .. caffeine .. food ..love .. religion .. why even sex ..
Its part of the Great human weakness that you have to serve something ..be it good or bad … otherwise you’ll go mad...So it is the constant we all crave in our lives.
And the form I chose to give to it is a mug of espresso.
which brings us back to… how coffee isn’t working for me anymore .I’m thinking its time for me to move on.
Move onto what?
the love , food , alcohol and other options are either currently unavailable or inappropriate ..
and after not much deliberation I rummage about in the dark for the pack I’d stashed in my room. And my hands chance upon the small cardpaper box.

I take out a cigarette from it, light it and take a drag .. and watch as the tip glows eerily.
The smoke feels thick and vaguely warm going down my throat.. unlike the smooth , hot feel of coffee, I couldn’t help noticing.
And the nicotine goes up and lands a solid kick in my brain .. an odd feeling .. like a bunch of bright lights being turned on in the head .
Again, unlike the gradual, liquid kick coffee offers, like awareness washing over my entire thought process ..
Exhale slowly. And the image of the bronzed red moon shimmers hazily through the cloud of smoke... and suddenly I have this weird mental picture of smoke creeping up into my skull , winding its way into my mind , into my thoughts, melting and tweaking them , even singeing some of them.

I’m not sure I really like this .. this choice of addiction.
I glare at the glowing cigarette in my hand. Maybe it’s the insomnia making me hallucinate and I’m over-reacting. So I decide to give it another chance and take a few more drags … and the feeling of dissatisfaction only intensifies.
I glare at the cigarette harder.
I never really had a problem smoking before. What is it now?
I wonder..

The sky is lighting up slowly… tufts of pink-orange clouds float into the scene .. and in the mellow pre dawn light , I see it , a crushed coffee cup .. and I look at the half-burnt cigarette in my hand .. both of them reminders of my pathetic self-control. Reminders of how weak and dependant I was. And I knew I couldn’t do it anymore .. I realize I’m getting sick of this. This lack of control and self-respect .. the way some ground beans and rolled up tobacco can take control of your life and make you dance to its every beck and call. I see the huge unsaid catch in my theory of addiction.. the catch is that if I’ll go slightly mad without something to serve , I’ll go stark, raving mad because of what I’m serving too. I’ll want, no, Need to be in the throes of the addiction all the time. And if I’m not , the pain of withdrawal will eat at me till I eventually give up any pretence of resistance and crawl back into that place. That sad sad place.

And what I have to do is suddenly very clear to me.

I hurriedly stub the half-burnt cigarette out. Glowing bits of ash fall , jump about and get swept away by a gentle breeze before they die out.

I get up and walk away..

…to the coffee machine.

Who was I kidding ….

The Ballad

Once upon a time , there was a kingdom called La-La Land( read Thuvakudi).

In the centre of the kingdom was a magnificent castle with brilliantly crumbling turrets and insect-infested buildings. The fair and noble race of the Engg-a-men lived here.

In the royal court there was a fair maiden called Camizvori – the short and spicy.

Men from all over thuvakudi vied for her attention but to no avail, the maiden was already betrothed to her childhood companion, Sir Row-miss – the tall and far. He lived in the land Far-Far-Away much to the chagrin of both the estranged lovers, but Sir Row-miss had promised that to Love, distance was no matter. And so his love waited and waited……… until things happened to put it to test.

This story is curiously linked with a particular tradition of this land - the Sigh-kills.
These are the periodic mock battles held by order of the king to provide a chance for the bravehearts of the kingdom to prove their mettle in Things Of No Consequence. Now such a period of great stress and tension has to have some obvious side-effects namely , the Sigh-kill syndrome , a condition of extreme boredom and nervousness and recklessness which makes you do things you wouldn’t dream of doing even in those weirder dreams.

This particular spring, the maiden was more seriously afflicted than normal,
maybe it was the sigh-kill syndrome ,
maybe she was bitten by the hormone-bug,
maybe Fate decided to finally test her Love
or maybe it was all three ,
.......... she fell hard and sure. And you know what they say, the shorter you are, the harder you fall or wait…… is it higher?.... anyway, no matter.

Now, Enter the hero- the able young boy who’d always been in the royal court… one of the kingdom’s most trusty soldiers … except for a streak of insanity but mostly everyone let it pass .. this young boy’s name was Hasch-ad - the tall and Near. Incidentally a childhood pal of Camizvori ..

Now this boy was one day strolling in the barren palace gardens possibly contemplating the deeper meaning and purpose of the existence of the Weird Mutant Stick Insect when he noticed the maiden taking a walk in the same park.. as they were pseudo-childhood buddies he went over to talk to her.

What should have been a normal old-friends-catching-up episode turned out to be the beginning of something new … it was as if they were seeing each other anew in the glare of harsh tropical sun. Suddenly there were coy glances, sudden smiles, awkward pauses and a lot of batting eyelids and of course the Praises – those weapons of mass destruction.

As is with most stories like this , the hero of this tale started extolling the virtues of the heroine … and in true Ladylike manner the maiden flushed with pride and love but shyly told the hero that he was indeed praising her too much…
And maybe it was the extreme heat ,
maybe it was the sigh-kill syndrome ,
maybe it was the streak of insanity ,
or maybe it was all three …
the hero starts spouting poetry … and what follows is the exchange that happened that evening …



( Purple is the heroine's part and Black is the hero's part)



You praise me too much my sweetheart!



Oh but why cannot I, lady of my heart?

Your smile enchants me so!

Sweet as apple tart.



Cuz, oh my knight in shining underwear!

My heart to you, I wish to bare…

But pity, wrenching pity

Tis not with me to share..

Tarts of the forbidden fruit though,

I’ll give to you for sure



But why?

Oh why cannot I have your heart?

Why do you spurn my love

As though it were a stinking fart?



The seven seas for your love I would sail…

Before my PJs all obstacles quail!



Titans I wrestle, goliaths I slay,

Those who stand between us, they surely will pay..

No mountain is too high, no ocean too deep

Take my hand damsel, lest for a lifetime I weep!


My love is like none

Twixt heaven and hell

If only you knew its strength

You would surely fall under my spell


Mere words not enough!

No tongue suffice!

My heart desires for thee,

In magnitude I cannot describe


The hours are growing late

Though not as late as your plea

I have given my hand to another

And yet I yearn for thee



Take my hand love,

I shall show thee light.

Resist not thy heart’s desires

They will yield sweet delight.


Thy heart is given yae!

But it does beat another way

Come into my arms sweet love

Let true love hold sway!



Lead me not into temptation,

For I already know the way

I’m caught in a web of my own doing

And I’m struggling to get away


Like all souls that are one

I feel your love for me

Oh! What a blind fool I have been!

Your brilliance for years I did not see


At the crossroads of desire and duty

Which path shall I take?

Oh! Accursed fate this is!

Kill me! Burn me at the stake!


For then this cosmic conspiracy shall cease

As will the earthly shackles that bind

But my love shall still stick like melted mozzarella cheese

Weep not my hero, amidst the stars, each other we’ll find …



...............





At this juncture the maiden fled the scene in tears ….her mind in a turmoil …..

And our hero stood there for a loooong while wondering what in the blazes was gonna happen……..



So what happened to our star-crossed lovers? And sir row-miss? …wait and watch the drama unfold……….



To be continued………….





PS: i wrote the part of the heroine and harshad wrote the part of the hero

DISCLAIMER : this is a work of FICTION ... any resemblance to characters and situations in real life is pure co-incidence

Brooklyn Bridge

 

Goldengate

 

 

Butterfly

A silken splash of color
Black streaks on red
But a wing that is broken
Is of no use, they said

A whirring jumble of metal
Slicing through the air
Ran through my body
Smash, rent & tear

A creature of light I used to be
Flying far and near
But dark is my world now
Numbed with pain and fear

‘spring is upon the valley now’,
The flowers are telling me.
‘my spring is past’, I tell them,
‘I cannot drink from thee’

A cocoon opens on the mulberry tree
To reveal my sister, crumpled and weak
But before long she flies away
To a future I no longer seek

Cold is the touch of death on my brow
As fresh as the winter dew
I shall go now, into oblivion,
Not broken anymore, but new

Jus Eyes

Dedicated to the amazingly talented and sweet Indira whoz eye-obsession is contagious..

Hibernation

An expanse of white
Blinding the eyes
A virgin land
Of unsullied ice

A cold blue sea
Lapping at colder cliffs
An icy wind
Wailing in melancholy

A freezing chill
Numbing body and soul
A warm white form
Curled up on the snow

A long magical sleep
Through torturous times
A suspended life
Subsisting on spares

A call through the sky
Of summer coming by
The hunter will awaken
To be king once again

The Path

There stretches a path through the woods
Winding through streams and mounds

Safety and lamps light the dark way
While sage company lightens the day
‘Stick to the good path’, you’ll hear them say
‘For the knowledge of our fathers won’t lead you astray'

But the dark forest leans out and beckons to me
With all its glory and mystery
The unknown wilderness call out to me
Promising challenges and destiny

A world where light would lurk among shadows
Tricking and taunting in a deceptive dance
Secrets and danger hanging heavy in the air
Swirling mist fogging all sight

Every step forward a wary gamble
A slash through doubt and challenge
The trampled moss underneath my feet
Traces of a new path for time to follow

Sah'raa

Sah'raa
A lone set of hoof prints
Caked in the hot loose sand
Stretching through the million dunes
Of a desert with no end

A wind blowing fire and sand
Into the eyes of men
Blurring the forms of a weary horse
And its wearier rider

A black veiled shadow
With eyes of black stone
Fighting a losing battle with the sun
And the pain of poison

A treasure that slept in a woman's womb
biding its time till release
Twisting allegiance and loyalty
At the cost of her royal blood

A fire burning black and bright
Through narrowed obsidian eyes
She looked back one last time
At the mirage she'd left behind

Dino Baby

Lord Krishna

Princess

An old stone castle
In the days of yore
A tall cold tower
Holding a maiden afore

A mossy moat and armored knights,
Forming a ring of protection.
A windowless tower with a lone stone slit,
Locking up life and liberty

A shaft of summer sunlight
Hit her pale blue eyes
Lighting a thin white face,
Soft cheeks and strong chin

Translucent eyelids slowly slid shut
To visions of freedom and the sun,
Of riding steeds against the wind
To battle and victory

A icy draught slapped her cheeks
Snapping her to reality
To cursed days filled with dust & inaction
And a life doomed to domestic servitude

A living specter she would be,
Going through motions of life,
Counting down to the day she’d pass
Unheard and unsung.

-sesh

A/N:original art by my adorable friend madhu , digital patching by yours truly.

More Quotes...

It's time for another round ooh-aahing over other people's genius ....

the quotes are in my msn public blog.....here is the link to it

Change

"Oh, let a man of spirit venture where he pleases
And never tip his golden cup empty towards the moon!
Since heaven gave the talent, let it be employed."

The issue of mankind’s inherent doom has been the most favorite of our cynical fellowmen.
Their case for forsaken morals and damaged resources is so convincing that one ends up believing them and their oh-so-cheerful take on life.

Just what is wrong with the world now?
Are we not at the highest we have ever been? Can those stuck up traditionalists not see that?
Can they point to any other time in history when a single man had the intelligence, power and ability to literally move the world and some more if only he chose to?
After years of letting outmoded codes bind him down , man has broken free.
He can now choose to dictate his own codes and have other men respect him for it

What all of us have to understand is what is new need not necessarily be wrong.
Just look back at History, you will evidence of this at every step.
If early man had not allowed his settling instincts to well settle, we would still be playing catch-me-if-you-can with wolves, wild boars & the big cats .And back then settling wasn’t even a smart or safe idea. Yet man dared and won. And he did not stop there. The wheel of civilization rolled down the centuries. Clans and kingdoms formed, warred & perished. The ones who dared to move ahead did just that and the ones who choose to hold on to what they had always known got stranded in their own times to be put down as half remembered names in dusty old books.

A new kind of life calls for a change in every aspect of living. It is only natural that when the pivot swivels, the balance shifts. Morals are not being lost with change , they are being redefined.
Those who cannot see this are those blinded by fear. Accepted, fear has been a strong influence in men’s lives, for the better as well as worse. But when we let fear destroy our reasoning powers and bog us down , we know we’re in big trouble.
A few moments of clear thinking will tell anyone , change is inevitable. It is the law of life. Men were not born to stagnate, they were born to evolve. We did not brave the primal jungles, hunting predators , rival tribes, attacking enemy kingdoms and warring nations just to forget how to fight and degenerate into unreasonable animals.
A true Man does not know inaction , he knows progress. And we must not let anyone turn us from that path. The only choice we have in the matter is to ride the waves of Time or be washed over. What would You rather choose?

Chrysalis

Wrapped in my cocoon
I sit here and wait
For dawn and release

Tis a long penance
Through the watches of the night
Filled with dreams
And also doubts

Visions of flitting among many many flowers
Drowning in their beauty and nectar
Of soaring far above the trees
Battling eagles and the breeze

Will my wings have the strength
For such a battle?
Or will my mind?

Maybe the light will answer the questions
That the long nights have posed
And reveal the many colors
That the darkness has hidden

Dawn will be bright
After the dark night is spent
And at dawn I will break free
Into greater life and glory

Career Counselling

With the exam season & the summer settling in , every student aiming to successfully fail his board exams is at a loss as to what he would do in his future. ( big surprise. )
Should he be joining the medical and engineering bandwagon (first class, AC of course) or should he …well.. do something else.
So here’s a list of a few interesting if slightly offbeat career choices they can consider.

BUFFALO HERDING:

We got the family approval for this one ages ago, so no trouble there. Predictably hygiene is going to be a major problem , but if u get past that and manage to toilet-train your herd along the way, these black beauties can make you stinking rich!(excuse pun)
Who knows you could become the amazingly successful owner of a nationwide buffalo products conglomerate called BAMUL – the Waste of India ( Buffaloes Are Macho! Union Limited) or some other inspired name.
So what’re are you waiting for?...wallow your way to glory!

FLYSWATTING

Admit it. We’ve got years of experience and loads of practice at this.
Trivial though it may seem , this job involves a high level of skill, uncommon dexterity, excellent hand-eye coordination and the ability to perform under highly demanding conditions of extreme boredom.
Job opportunities are as varied and plenty as the flies themselves. One can set up flyswatters training academy to help others or write a book or comic strip named ‘Swat Flies’ or just about anything you could lay ..er.. swat your hands on.

POLITICS

Strictly not for the sensitive kiddies. Loads of sacrifice and preparation goes into this testing job but the rewards are rich..literally.
To get started… well… grease you theatre skills to oily perfection, practice stilted and indefinite speech styles, open a numbered swiss bank account, bury all your scruples in the kitchen backyard and Tada!...your ready to rock the world!
Just a word of warning, if getting in is tough, staying there is tougher and getting out… don’t even think about it. You know what they say….once a politician, always a politician.
So if you think you can live with a wardrobe filled exclusively with toga-style white cloth strips, go ahead!... Yours is the world and all that’s there in it - even if its others.

A/N : this is my first stint at funny writing , so don't expect it to be funny. if it is...then yaay!

Clown

Short frame draped in gay frumpy clothes
A huge red cherry on the small pug nose
A wide smile painted over half the face
She sauntered and pottered around with a donkey’s grace

Too-bright eyes drinking in the glee,
A misty glimpse of what could never be
Through a green haze she saw a rosy world,
That always laughed at her.
Never with.

Prison

You cannot kill what is already dead,
In that I am safe.
Safe from the claws of the world,
And Myself.

Eyes wide open,
Blinded by sight.
Curtains shading lifeless depths,
Blackened windows that don’t offer views.

Heart still pumping,
Not life but blood.
Not jumping or skipping anymore,
Only silently ticking away to the end.

Lips spilling laughter,
Devoid of mirth.
Notes once filled with life and passion,
Now ghostly echoes of what once was.

The key to my prison I hold,
For that I am forever jailed.

Inspiration

This isn't one of my writings... its much better...it's a list of all my favorite quotes ..in the books i've read,...stuff i've come across...songs i've heard etc ...it'll probably be a looong post which will keep growing.
PS: I'm posting my Ayn Rand quotes in a separate post.



"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally "
-WC Fields

"I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another , I stop some where waiting for you."

-Walt Whitman



“ For the crown you've placed upon my head feels too heavy now
And I don't know what to say to you but I'll smile anyhow
And all the time I'm thinking, thinking
I want to be a hunter again, want to see the world alone again
To take a chance on life again, so let me go.
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like …
No point in talking what you should have been
And regretting the things that went on
Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate
Remove the clouds
look at the bigger picture.”
- Unknown

" A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone"
- Norah Jones,'seven years'


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
-Robert Frost,' The road not taken'

"I could not stop for death
so he kindly stopped for me"
-Emily Dickinson

" It is we who must tread warily
The magic is fragile"
- Philip Pulman,'His Dark Materials'

"And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren't any other people living in the world."
- Anne Frank,'The diary of Anne Frank'